Recently my husband and I have been put in a situation with another party requiring us to think carefully and strategically as a team before we speak or act, even though most of the time my impulse is towards frustration and anger.
But the person who loses her temper also tends to lose control in the negotiation process.
It may be summer, but dealing with potentially contentious situations - financial, personal, or even legal - is a year-round certainty.
Some examples of who you will need to negotiate with:
Here are the 6 points for taking control of the negotiation process I came away with:
But the person who loses her temper also tends to lose control in the negotiation process.
It may be summer, but dealing with potentially contentious situations - financial, personal, or even legal - is a year-round certainty.
Some examples of who you will need to negotiate with:
- Your boss, regarding time off to study or a pay raise
- A roommate, especially if you are new to living together
- A landlord or property manager
- The Financial Aid office over your award offer
- Anyone who has broken a promise that you were counting on
Here are the 6 points for taking control of the negotiation process I came away with:
1. Be Pleasant Up Until (And Only If) You Are Forced To Get Unpleasant
My husband articulated this one, and I think it's probably the most important rule. It's ok to have emotions about what's going on, but you want to keep things as civil as possible. Reacting with anger crosses a line that is hard to come back from after you have cooled down.
If the other party lashes out, try not to match his or her tone. You have an advantage by remaining cool-headed; this way no one can later accuse you of being aggressive, overemotional, or irrational.
If the other party lashes out, try not to match his or her tone. You have an advantage by remaining cool-headed; this way no one can later accuse you of being aggressive, overemotional, or irrational.
2. Use Inclusive Language
Whether you are communicating with your adversary in person or through writing, using inclusive language is a good way to keep things pleasant (see point 1).
Using I think, I believe, I feel, I understand statements instead of accusatory You did this, You didn't do that is an effective way to make the other person feel you are acknowledging his side of the issue.
After all, the ideal end goal of negotiating is to reach an agreement where both parties feel their most important interest has been protected, even if you have to give in on some of the smaller points.
Using I think, I believe, I feel, I understand statements instead of accusatory You did this, You didn't do that is an effective way to make the other person feel you are acknowledging his side of the issue.
After all, the ideal end goal of negotiating is to reach an agreement where both parties feel their most important interest has been protected, even if you have to give in on some of the smaller points.
3. Ask For What You Need
Be explicit about what you need from the other person. Ask what they need from you. People are wired to respond to a request for help.
That doesn't mean everyone will jump to assist you, but you will likely elicit a more cooperative response with, "I'd appreciate your help with x, y, and z," as opposed to, "You better do x, y, and z OR ELSE."
That doesn't mean everyone will jump to assist you, but you will likely elicit a more cooperative response with, "I'd appreciate your help with x, y, and z," as opposed to, "You better do x, y, and z OR ELSE."
4. Figure Out Your Non-Negotiables
You're going to have a list of priorities and interests you want recognized and protected. Go over this list, noting which of these are your non-negotiables. You absolutely must have these met.
Which are you willing to be flexible with? These are your negotiables.
You need to have both. Compromise won't happen if you won't concede on anything, and you digging your heels in on every single point certainly won't inspire the other person to make concessions of his own.
Which are you willing to be flexible with? These are your negotiables.
You need to have both. Compromise won't happen if you won't concede on anything, and you digging your heels in on every single point certainly won't inspire the other person to make concessions of his own.
5. Decide How To Communicate
Sometimes more can be accomplished in a 10 minute phone call than 10 emails. When possible, an in-person meeting is almost always best, since people feel like the can be more dismissive in emails or by phone.
However, if you have any concerns that your problem could become a legal case, you want a paper trail - or at least meticulous notes - detailing any and all forms of communication.
However, if you have any concerns that your problem could become a legal case, you want a paper trail - or at least meticulous notes - detailing any and all forms of communication.
6. Be A Team
If you are going through this with someone else - a spouse, parent, child, housemate, or group of co-workers - stick together. Be on each other's side and discuss your collective strategy. Appoint someone as the spokesperson if necessary.
Even if you are stressed, don't take it out on the other person.You need each other, and you're stronger as allies than when you're sparring on the side.
If nothing else, having someone on your team will help you better cope with the frustrations, sadness, and anger that might accompany your negotiations with the opposing party.
Even if you are stressed, don't take it out on the other person.You need each other, and you're stronger as allies than when you're sparring on the side.
If nothing else, having someone on your team will help you better cope with the frustrations, sadness, and anger that might accompany your negotiations with the opposing party.
You aren't the first person to deal with a demanding boss, a dishonest roommate, or a difficult landlord.
If you're in doubt about how to successfully negotiate a tricky situation with someone, consult an objective third party (or at least someone who has experienced a similar problem) for ideas.
And keep in mind the golden rule - be pleasant, civil, and cooperative if you want to retain some control over the situation.
If you're in doubt about how to successfully negotiate a tricky situation with someone, consult an objective third party (or at least someone who has experienced a similar problem) for ideas.
And keep in mind the golden rule - be pleasant, civil, and cooperative if you want to retain some control over the situation.
