Blog Archives

Sexual Harassment and Assault on Campus - Prevention and Response

4/28/2014

10 years ago I would have been embarrassed to tell anyone this story.

After my freshmen year wrapped up, I was excited to win a summer internship through the University of Notre Dame's Center for Social Concerns in my then-hometown of Cincinnati. I was assigned to work at a downtown youth center, charged with the task of managing a room of 50-some six and seven-year-olds for the day.

On my first day, my boss showed me to the room, where kids were already running around, whooping, yelling, jumping, and told me, "You can do as much or as little with them as you like. Just make sure nobody dies."

M'kay.

Well, that wasn't going to work for me, and fortunately, the woman who was assigned to the room part-time wasn't a fan of chaos either. So we devised a schedule that included playtime, crafts, reading hour, and a post-lunch nap (which originally inspired mutinous murmurings until the tired kiddos dropped off one by one to snooze for a blessedly quiet 30 minutes).

Every day was hectic, but I grew to love the job. The kids could be equal parts infuriating and endearing, and I was never short on stories to bring home.

There was only one problem - his name was Jack* (*not his real name) and he was making me increasingly uncomfortable.

Jack was a good 20 years older than I, who walked with a limp. He was friendly, and I appreciated adult conversation when he first started to come and find me during staff lunch hour.

But then he wouldn't leave me alone. Every time I looked up, he was either watching me from afar or creeping into my room, even though he was in charge of a different section in the club. Jack asked me for rides to his bus stop, and when I hemmed (unsure I wanted to be alone with him in my car), he protested that he would be vulnerable to a mugging if I didn't take him. At work, I had to cut him off mid-sentence to pay attention to the kids, who needed supervision.

I would make up reasons to avoid him, unable to put my finger on what was making me so supremely unhappy to be in the same space as him.

Until one day, when it became very clear what he had been working towards.

I was trying to escape him yet again, by playing with the kids. In front of a group of six-year-olds, he said, "You look sexy today!"

I cringed even as I write that now because it was so NOT my intention (I am an extremely modest dresser) and incredibly humiliating - believe me, when you're dressing to spend the day with kids who intermittently draw on you, sneeze on you, and even barf on you, nobody should be accusing you of dressing for that kind of attention.

I managed to spit out, "That is completely inappropriate. You should never say anything like that in front of children and you are not allowed to say that to me. Never say it again."

And he put up his hands defensively - whoa, whoa, I was just trying to give you a COMPLIMENT.

And he didn't stop after that.

I spent the rest of the summer doing my best to actively avoid him, becoming increasingly anxious about going to work, and having nightmares. Finally, one night, my mother noticed I kept putting off going to bed. She nicely asked me, "Is something going on at work?"

I burst into tears and told her. My parents wanted me to report it to the boss, but I protested, worried that the university would hear, and wouldn't send future volunteers to a place than genuinely needed the extra help. Additionally, I was embarrassed, and didn't want anyone to know what was going on.

So I stuck it out, miserable. And then the next summer, after learning Jack had been sent to work at another club, I happily returned to work with the kids once more.

I'm so glad I did because one week we were short on staff, and a neighboring club sent two workers over - on of whom was Jack.

My nightmares, humiliation, and fear had dissipated over the year, replaced only by anger.

He moved to come talk with me. Before he could say a word, I put my hand up and said, "Listen to me. You are not allowed to talk with me while you are here. You are not allowed to come near me. You are not allowed to watch me while I'm working. Stay away from me or I will report you."

He stayed away. And I finally had some peace.

When I began writing this, I mentioned that 10 years ago I would have been humiliated to share this. What changed? After confronting Jack, I didn't feel like a victim anymore. In the end, I took control of the situation.

It took me too long to realize that sexual harassment can start out subtle, but it's still worth protesting. Otherwise it escalates.

The Problem With Statistics

The first thing students should know is that sexual assaults on campus are more common than you probably realize.

The commonly accepted statistic is that 20%-25% of women will be the victim of an attempted or completed rape while in college.

Let's pause and examine this.

Problem 1 - This figure reflects the number of reported incidents. Many rapes go unreported for reasons that will be discussed below.

Problem 2 - Despite the Jeanne Clery Act, which requires schools to report on-campus sexual assault cases to the Department of Education, many universities try to handle these incidents internally and never pass on the actual data.

Problem 3 - Rape isn't the only kind of sexual assault to watch out for. Students need to be wary of verbal and physical advances that also constitute sexual harassment.

Problem 4 - It focuses on females. Men are victims of sexual violence as well.

What We Do Know

Here's what we do know about sexual assaults on campus:

Freshmen and sophomores are most likely to be victims
Alcohol is often involved, with either or both the assailant and victim being intoxicated during the attack
People often know their attackers - in fact, many incidents take place during a date
30% of college women consider suicide after being raped

Why Incidents Go Unreported

There are several reasons incidents of sexual harassment and assault go unreported on campus. Among them:

You're not sure it what happened to you "counts"
Sexual harassment can be subtle or overt unwanted verbal advances. It can be unwanted hugging or touching. It can be attempted, but uncompleted, rape. The key is "unwanted." If someone refuses to comply when you ask them to stop or physically fight them off, it counts.

I never said no.
Resigning yourself to verbal or physical harassment is not the same thing as consent. Figuring it would be safer to let the attacker do what he/she is doing, and then try to escape, is not consent. Anything that is not an emphatic yes is a NO.

I'm worried people will say I was "asking for it" because _______.
I don't care if you were walking around in the world's shortest skirt, had five drinks too many, or trusted the person who asked you back to his/her dorm room. You didn't ask for it. That's called victim blaming and it's repugnant.

Don't you dare do this to someone who tells you that they have been sexually harassed or assaulted.

I'm embarrassed I let this happen.
You didn't "let" anything happen. A person decided to make this happen to you. I was embarrassed about being the victim of harassment, but my humiliation was unfounded. I was not the one misbehaving. I had nothing to be ashamed of, and neither do you.

I'm afraid of getting in trouble too, since I was drinking underage at the time of the attack.
Schools are supposed to have an open policy for students reporting sexual crimes, where the victims are not punished or blamed alongside the perpetrator. If you find your school is pushing back on you, take it to a parent, trusted advisor, or counselor. And if you need to get off-campus authorities involved as well, you may.

I don't want to ruin his/her life...
Ok, but did this person have the same consideration for the impact their unwanted actions were going to have on your life? Now is not the time to feel sorry for the attacker. Do not feel guilty for making him/her take responsibility for their crime.

It was a few weeks ago. What's the point in telling now?
No matter when you are ready to tell, it's always relevant to report to campus authorities and/or seek professional help for what happened.

Who do I tell?
Anyone you want. You can start with your roommate, your best friend, your parents, a campus counselor, the campus police, or consult someone in your school's Office of Sexual Assault.

I'd rather pretend it never happened.
You are not obligated to tell anyone at all, if you choose. But please do not let the aforementioned reasons be a deterrent to getting the help you need.

How Do I Stay Safe?

Hopefully this is all good information that you will never find immediately relevant. Universities work hard to protect their students, and provide resources to keep them safe, including security escorts, emergency phones around campus, and required training for employees and students both in the school's sexual harassment policies.

However, students do report several cases where the university pressures the victim to drop charges so that the perpetrator can return to school. Some schools have ridiculous policies where they blame the victim as well, if underage drinking is involved. This is not ok, and more and more students on college campuses are speaking out about this.

That being said, there are plenty of measures you can take to stay safe on campus. In the next post, I will discuss how students can feel more confident about taking control of their safety on campus.

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Staying Safe On Campus

4/28/2014

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College campuses devote a large amount of resources to ensuring students are safe - campus police, ample lighting after dark, security escorts for students getting around after dark, and entire offices committed to the prevention and response to on-campus assaults.

The point of this post is not to freak students out, nor to have you walking around with assumption you are thisclose to being mugged. However, the reality is that students do, in fact, fall victim to muggings, assaults, and sexual violence on and around campus.

Staying safe on campus is about evaluating your environment, taking into account potential risks, and applying strategies to mitigate said risks.

When You are Alone

It will always be safest to walk or travel with at least one other person, but there are plenty of times when you will be alone.

Let's say every Tuesday you study with a friend who lives on the opposite end of campus, leaving the dorm around midnight. You have a few options. You can call campus security for an escort (this is always a reasonable option, so don't be shy or feel like you are being too precious with your safety). You can ask your friend and her roommate to walk you back.

And, if nothing else, you can make sure somebody is expecting you back in the room by 12:15, and is prepared to go looking for you if you're not.

Another thing to remember is that if you are carrying any kind of self-defense weapon, device, or chemical agent, make sure you know how to use it. Do not carry a pocketknife, mace, or a mini stun gun unless you have practiced, are confident in your ability to use the device, and are prepared to use it on another person.

Also, check the product. If there is a safety switch, know where it is and how to disable it. Mace and pepper spray have a finite shelf life, so if your mom passed on the same canister she used take with her when jogging 10 years ago, the product has lost its potency.

Safety In Numbers

Where are you going?
Who is part of the group?
What's the plan if you get separated?

Have your friends' phone numbers programmed into your phone. If part of the plan is to split up once you arrive, decide on a meeting place and time to regroup. Before leaving, ensure that everyone who said they were heading back is present and accounted for.

More than this, make sure you have each other's backs. If you see someone behaving suspiciously, point him or her out to your group. Keep an eye on your drinks and food.

If one of the guys wants to head back to campus early, offer to walk with him. If a random stranger offers to drive your friend back (It's fine, you guys go ahead, I'll give her a ride) - it's NOT fine. Nope, nope, nope. Stay together.

Be Aware Of Your Surroundings

I used to think the best strategy for warding off unwanted attention was to keep my head down as I passed by a stranger. However, I later learned that it is actually more effective to keep your head up and look straight at the people who cross your path. If someone is looking for an easy target, they are more inclined to skip the person who has seen their face.

Same goes for using your phone when walking alone. Talking on the phone or texting means you are distracted, and accordingly, more vulnerable. If it's late at night or you are in an area where you need to be extra vigilant, remove your headphones, put away your phone, and stay aware of your surroundings.

As my husband put it, you want to look like more trouble than you're worth for a potential mugger or attacker.

Trust Your Gut

Do you have kind of a squiggly feeling in the pit of your stomach about someone who is rapidly approaching you? Trust it. Move to the other side of the street, keep your head up, and look for potential safe spots to run into or call for help.

Either your instinct was correct and you have taken what steps you can to make yourself less of an easy target, or the person never intended any harm. There is nothing wrong with erring on the side of caution.

Understand What Constitutes "Consent"

Sexual harassment, assault, and violence is a whole separate topic, but let's get one thing clear: anything less than emphatic, enthusiastic consent from both parties is a NO.

Regular interactions doesn't mean you get to force a hug. A hug doesn't mean you get to force a kiss. A kiss doesn't mean you get to force touching. And touching doesn't mean you get to force unwanted sexual contact. This goes for men and women - no means no means no.

Don't let strangers into your room, and leave someone else's room if you start to feel uncomfortable. Be direct and clear about what you want:

You are not allowed to say things like that to me.
I want you to go.
Don't touch me.

Let your friend or roommate know where you are. Consider having a code word you can text to a buddy if you need immediate help.

If something happens, remember two things:

It's not your fault. I'll repeat that - it's not your fault.

It's your choice to report it, but do not let worries about your assailant's reputation / grades / parents sway you. You do not have to pretend like it never happened.

College campuses are equipped to help students who are victims of sexual assault. If you are not comfortable bringing it to the school, you can also reach out to national hotlines like RAINN or consult a mental health professional for guidance.

Know Your Options

There are several steps you can take to prevent being mugged, attacked, or sexually assaulted, including traveling in groups, letting friends and roommates know where you are, and being comfortable with asserting yourself and your boundaries.

However, let's not confuse a person who has been attacked as someone who was careless. Ideally, we shouldn't have to worry about our safety, especially on a college campus. So if something does happen to you, know that there is no such thing as "asking for it." Seek recourse from campus resources, the police, and your family and friends without guilt or shame.

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May 6, 2014 Seminar: "Navigating the College Applications Process"

4/25/2014

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Aim High Writing made the news again!:

http://www.northwestmilitary.com/newspapers/ranger-print-edition-vol63-issue17-april-24-2014/

See page 11 for details about my upcoming seminar "Navigating the College Applications Process" I am hosting at Fort Lewis for military families in the Tacoma, WA area on May 6th, 6pm-7pm.

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Book Review: Dad Is Fat By Jim Gaffigan

4/17/2014

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From Left to Write asks reviewers to connect the book of the month with their personal experiences. Accordingly, this is not a traditional book review, but rather, my response to this month’s selection. Find out more here.

I received an advance copy of Dad Is Fat for free, but I was not compensated in any way for my review. My comments are my own. This book is available for purchase here.

Background

If you're not familiar with Jim Gaffigan's comedy, you might be pretty confused by this book. So, take a second, do yourself a favor, and watch this:

Ok, so now everyone understands how the "Hot Pocket Guy" talks, the book itself will read a lot funnier. Gaffigan has a collection of short essays about his experiences raising his six kids in New York City. The book's title was inspired by his discovery of his son's handwriting practice, in which the boy had spelled out in block letters, "DAD IS FAT."

Road Trip

Big Disney Fan from an early age. Also, a big fan of product placement, apparently.

Like Gaffigan, our parents also took us to Disney World. More than once, actually, which was exceedingly generous, but also confusing, because we've never lived close to Florida so the logistics of getting us there, feeding us, keeping us from getting sunburned, and finding adequate shelter were some not-so-insignificant hoops.

My parents made a good team when we traveled. My dad liked to pile us into the car in the middle of the night (well, before dawn) to avoid the morning rush hour. His way of making sure we were present and accounted for was to say, "We're leaving at 5. If you're not in the car, you're not coming."

Then he would scare us kids, buckled up in the back, by backing out of the garage while my mother was still in the house throwing together some snacks for the road. He'll do it, Mom! - we tried to ESP-message her - You're going to miss Disney World!

My sister and I were super excited to meet The Beast. My little brother was trying to run away to avoid being mauled by the creature.

Then she'd emerge and get in, and my father would say, "We almost had to leave you," which did nothing to prove to us kids that he wouldn't actually leave without Mom.

My brother, sister, and I might sleep for a little while, but soon three bodies in the backseat invited first conversation, then a silly game inspired by being deliriously tired, and then, of course, a fight.

You have to remember, this was before the days of being able to watch a movie in the car. My siblings and I settled for reading, coloring, or bugging the crap out of each other.

No talking, one of the parents would rule from the front.

That would work for about 5 minutes, an eternal stretch of time in Kid World. Then one of us would complain, "I'm hungry."

Without fail my father would feign incredulous disbelief and say, "What? I just fed you yesterday!"

This incited a small amount of panic among my siblings and I in the back - did Dad not realize kids have to be fed every day??

But Mom was already on it, passing back baggies of pre-packed trail mix.

Eating kept us quiet for a bit, but then somebody had to go the bathroom. Then, by power of suggestion, everyone had to go to the bathroom. Except for Dad, who would say, "Can't you hold it until dinner?"

WHAAAT? No, we insisted, we really can't!

When we finally stopped for a meal, it was usually at a fast food hamburger place. We divided up the tasks. Dad and two of the siblings would find and sit at a table. The kids had to get napkins, straws, and ketchup for everyone. The other kid accompanied Mom to order.

Usually that kid was me, so Dad gave me his order to pass on: "Two hamburgers, NO PICKLES."

Except sometimes they put the pickles on anyway, so when Dad conducted his Sandwich Inspection prior to taking a bite, he'd say, "Oh, no! I got pickled!"

Finally, we arrived. We never stayed in the park itself ("We're poor," Dad explained), instead taking shelter at a nearby Marriott or Embassy Suites. Still, one of Dad's destinations at Disney World was going to look at the park hotels.

He convinced us it was part of the Disney experience, so we toured through the grounds of the Contemporary Resort, with the monorail running overhead, the Polynesian, and The Grand Floridian.

When it came time for the actual park, my father had already mapped out our order of rides. At the Magic Kingdom, he insisted we start at the Thunder Mountain Railroad, because it would have the longest lines later. And he was right! We got there, waited for about 5 minutes, and then he let us go on it again!

Then we had to hit Splash Mountain, the Haunted House, and Space Mountain.

He saved Hall of Presidents for when we needed a rest, which isn't exactly a ride, but rather, consists of sitting for in a quiet, dark theater and watching audio-animatronic figures talk about old stuff.

Epcot was always last on the list, but Dad loved the Viking ride in the Norway section that scared the bejeezus out of me.

It was the trolls that got me.

For the first few days we'd go, go, go, and then our parents would wisely reserve a day for us to sleep in, hang out around the hotel, and go swimming. Nothing is more exciting to little kids than a moderately-sized, indoor pool.

The real struggle of any of our family vacations was keeping us all from getting horribly sunburned. My father was obsessed with regular sunscreening. Part of the game was making sure you anticipated his exhaustive list of checks.

"Did you get your neck?"

"Yes."

"Did you get the tips of your ears?"

"Yep." [And we would be really proud of ourselves for remembering to hit this obscure spot.]

"The tops of your feet?"

"Oh. Um, I forgot."

We pretty much all looked like this when we first left the hotel for a day in the sun.

And Dad would warn you that if you didn't remember to apply sunblock to the super sensitive tops of your feet your toes would fall off. And believing him, we'd slap on generous blobs so that our sandals slipped and squished when we went to walk.

Even more, though, what I remember is how fun it was to see our parents having fun. Somehow, despite paying out the nose for Disney World lunches, waiting in long lines in the relentless Florida humidity, and the chase to keep their little pale ghost children from turning into boiled lobsters, we still liked being together.

As I am getting closer to becoming a parent, I want to emulate three main behaviors I saw my parents model during these road trips:

Parents need to stick together.

Or your kids will rise up and stage a backseat coup.

Planning ahead actually ensures a better time in the moment.

My dad mapped out our days at the park and our mom reminded him to feed his children at regular increments.

Remember to have fun, and let your kids see that you think spending time with them is fun.

As a kid, it was pretty cool to see your Mom and Dad enjoying the rollercoaster as much as you.

I liked this book, and I think it was only in part because I find Gaffigan funny. What I really enjoyed was how much his stories reminded me of my own family's stories, and especially of my own Dad.

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{Guest Post} - Beyond College: 3 Musts for a Successful Launch

4/14/2014

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Michelle Aikman is a Nationally Certified Résumé Writer and provides career consulting services through Skilled Assets. See her full bio below.

College students are swamped—between studying, participating in sports or other campus activities, volunteering, working, socializing, and finding time to eat and sleep—there isn’t much left. However, there will be a day when you put on your glowing graduation cap and transition out of the busy world of college and into the professional world. Will you be prepared to launch?

Here are three things that will not add a heavy burden on your time in college but will set you up for successfully launching into the professional world:

1. Start Building Your Résumé & Online Presence

Yes, I am the first to admit that college students are savvy and fast. You may be able to whip together a great report in the snap of your fingers but building your presence online and creating a solid résumé takes time if you are doing it all yourself. There are many ways to do it—some will help you stand out and others will send you into a bottomless black hole. Learning the difference and applying those standout techniques is what takes time.

Everyone pretty much gets why résumés are important but employers are considering much more when they make their selections for interviews and job offers. Employers will look for you online. They want to see evidence that you are who you say you are and that there is information corroborating your pitch to them. Conflicting or lack of information will leave question marks in their mind so be proactive and get the information you want them to see online early. LinkedIn® is a great place for this information.

Perhaps you already have a résumé. If you do, I bet you have told someone at one time, “I have a really great résumé. I don’t need to go to the Career Center for help.” Nine times out of 10, you are sorely mistaken.

The name of the game is standing out among your peers, and unfortunately for your generation, standing out among professionals with a couple years of experience under their belt. Make sure you are going to stand out the way you want when it is launch time. In between knocking out mid-term exams, traveling for your tournament, attending the block party, and staying for the evening shift, spend time learning how to create résumés and build your online presence. Use your college Career Center and work with a career management specialist if you need additional assistance.

2. Manage Your Reputation

Believe it or not, your reputation will affect you down the road. Even 10 years ago, a college party animal could flip a switch by cleaning up their act and putting on a suit as long as they had decent grades and interviewed well. Today, life carries over to the internet so bad judgments are forever captured and available for employers to dig up. When they make hiring decisions, they are investing in someone so they want to be completely confident in their choice.

Employers often rely on past behavior as the indicator for future behavior. When they are talking to your references, evaluating information available about you online, and considering background check findings, they are asking themselves, “Is this person someone who aligns with our company culture? Is this person going to behave this way in the future?”

If they find photos from the wild frat party beer pong tournament, how are they going to answer their questions? What if they see your Facebook feed full of your friends badmouthing a fellow student or professor? Even though you were not the one spitting the words, your association may reflect poorly upon you. What if they find lot so misspellings or inaccuracies in your writing? … All of these play into your reputation.

Bottom line—if you are going to make choices that you do not want your future employers to know about, make sure they don’t end up online. If they do, you had better do everything you can to remove them or address them because they will surface at some point.

3. Create Your Professional Network

Ever heard the age-old saying “It is not what you know but who you know”? A similar premise carries through in the job search market today; it is what you know and who you know! When you put forth effort in both directions, the rewards are plentiful.

Remember, relationships take time. To ensure that you have a robust network by the time you graduate, you should use LinkedIn®, Google® contacts, a good old address book, or some other type of contact management tool to capture all of the great people you are meeting along the way. Jot down when and where you met them along with any other important notes about them to help jog your memory, especially if you met them briefly.

After you connect with them, a second and equally important step is to keep the connection alive. Building your network is not a numbers race; it is about building meaningful relationships with other people.

Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you don’t have anything to offer an experienced professional; college students are the living, breathing wave of the future. You offer something that professionals out in the workforce can’t—fresh, savvy, and uninfluenced perspectives and approaches. You also offer them an opportunity to mentor someone. Mentoring is rewarding and most people will actually feel honored to bestow their wisdom and advice on someone.

Don’t wait to create your network. You already have one started; your peers, professors, career fair contacts, and friends-of-friends are all key to opening doors for you down the road. Now you just need to make a concerted effort to build upon those relationships so there are benefits both directions.

Just reading this article will help your brain recognize opportunities in each of these areas as you move forward with life. Those mental checks will start to add up and before long, you will see endless possibilities to grow and develop. As I tell all of my clients, start earlier rather than later! The earlier you start acting on these opportunities, the better positioned you will be to capture the job you want right out of college.

Have a question about life after college? Send Michelle your questions and she may feature it in a future article.

Michelle Aikman, NCRW
Lead Career Management Consultant
Skilled Assets

Member of the National Résumé Writing Association and Career Thought Leaders

Michelle Aikman empowers and equips high-performing professionals to advance their career, make difficult transitions, and experience fulfilling careers. She is one of only 34 writers worldwide to hold the coveted Nationally Certified Résumé Writer certification.

Skilled Assets provides premium career management services for professionals who are ready to reach the next step in their career and set themselves up for success now and in the future. The team also works with businesses and organizations to improve the hiring and career advancement process.

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4 Ways To Stop Being The Shy Student

4/10/2014

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I wasn't always shy. There are photos of me as a little girl mugging for the camera, wearing some seriously attention-grabbing ensembles. I used to sing. A lot. So much that my mother had to make the rule, "No singing at the dinner table." I remember liking school, taking dance classes, and having plenty of friends.

But something changed around second or third grade. I stopped participating in activities that put me on a stage in front of people. I had friends, but I let them do the talking for me in school. And forget about speaking up in class - suddenly, raising my hand became kind of uncomfortable.

It only got worse. By the time I was in high school, I couldn't bear drawing any attention to myself. Public speaking of any kind - especially in the classroom - was more than uncomfortable for me. It caused all kinds of involuntary reactions throughout my body. My face and neck turned a brilliant red, I'd feel very cold and overly warm at the same time, and my heart would beat so rapidly it felt like something was wrong.

I didn't share this with a lot of people because I felt like such a weirdo. I'm just shy, I told myself. Which was true - I am, and still am, a more reserved personality. But sometimes shyness can manifest itself in extreme ways, that require some self-awareness and a little bit of work if you ever want it to get better.

Here are 4 common problems shy students experience in college - and suggestions for how you can work on them:

1. You Receive Low Participation Grades

For my entire freshman year of college, I avoided speaking in class as much as possible. The problem was, most of my classes were seminars, and our contributions to group discussions were graded. I knowingly accepted lower participation grades when I was otherwise doing well, bringing down my overall GPA. And why? Because - I was more comfortable with the idea of losing a few points than I was with speaking up.

Until I realized that I was really (really, really, REALLY) tired of feeling paralyzed with fear every day, in every class. And I knew that the professor was reasonable in expecting people to participate in group discussions, because how else was she going to know that you did the reading and came to class prepared?

So I started making small goals first myself. First, I'd tell myself I had to speak twice per class - one comment and one question. In the beginning, I had to write these questions down ahead of time so that if I became too nervous, I could look down at my paper. Over time, however, I started trusting myself to actively listen to the conversation and be able to chime in when ready.

Even later, as a grad student, when I was no longer afraid of speaking in class, I still tried to speak at least 3 times per class. That goal kept me engaged (even when the topic was incredibly boring or dense) and ensured that no professor could ever say I wasn't participating.

2. You Avoid Certain Classes

I skipped any language classes my freshman year because I knew that they required lots of classroom exercises involving speaking with other classmates, presenting on cultural topics, and oral exams. In sum, my nightmare situation.

Still, I had to fulfill the language requirement, and I was quite taken with the idea of learning Russian to supplement my new obsession with Russian history. I remember registering for classes sophomore year. I surprised myself when I decided my desire to learn Russian really did outweigh my need to stay in my comfort zone.

Signing up for Russian was a game-changer for me. So much, that I suggest any student struggling with extreme shyness consider taking a language class. First, the stakes are pretty low in any 101 class. People, professors included, tend to take a fairly lighthearted approach to learning how to say "Hello," "Goodbye," "My name is _____," and "Where is the library?"

Second, everyone will make mistakes. Every class. All of the time. And it's no big deal. There are so many things to mess up - pronunciation, vocabulary, grammar - you don't have to worry about looking stupid because nobody will expect you to be perfect.

Third, classes tend to be fairly small. You will be forced to do lots of partner-type activities and get to know everyone. Which made class presentations a lot less intimidating for me - these people were my friends and I knew they were rooting for me.

Maybe not everyone will have the same magical unicorn of an experience my Russian class was, but trust me, language classes are a great place to work on overcoming classroom shyness.

3. You Are Terrified of Speaking With Your Instructor One-On-One

Not speaking with my professors the first year was a major mistake on my part. The majority of instructors want you to succeed. But they can't possibly know that you're on top of the coursework if you never offer any feedback, whether in the classroom or during their office hours.

One of my professors required we come to visit him at least once during his office hours early in the semester. Of course, I was terribly worried about being trapped in an office and possibly saying all kinds of stupid things, or, perhaps worse, being tongue-tied and not being able to say anything at all.

Instead the professor said to me, "I know you know this material based on your homework, papers, and tests. Why don't you speak in class more?"

So I told him my Big Embarrassing Secret: "I...I have a hard time talking in front of people. Or with people looking at me. Or with being asked a question in front of people."

He said, "Ok, how can I help?"

By the time I left, we had a plan where he would call on me specifically to make a comment about the course material. I was to prepare some thoughts prior to class.

It worked beautifully.

My advice is to let your professor know if you are exceptionally shy. The key is to not go in making excuses. Rather, you are making him aware of the situation and asking for assistance in improving.

4. You Self-Isolate

Oh, a shy person's logic - if being around other people is challenging, I would be happier avoiding social settings altogether.

That's what I thought the first year in college. You know what? It was lonely. I didn't feel better. I felt like I was missing out on something, but I couldn't tell you what.

It wasn't until second semester when I found a truly good friend - which turned into a group of wonderful friends and roommates for the remainder of my undergrad experience - that I understood how self-defeating it was to remove myself from socializing.

This may not work for everyone, but here's what helped me: I started joining clubs and assuming leadership positions. I forced myself to not only participate, but also, to address large groups of students in person, by phone, and over email. I volunteered to organize events. I made myself go to job fairs and speak with at least 3 recruiters. I went to parties (even if I ended up pressed up against the wall scouring the room for the nearest exit) and accepted dates.

I started trying.

You can start small. Maybe the first step is befriending one person in each of your classes - someone you can sit next to and trade notes with. Then you might join a club or sport. If you like it enough, maybe you consider taking on a greater role within the group. Just start by saying yes to new opportunities.

And if you're still scared, ask yourself, what's the worse thing that could happen?

Chances are the absolute worst things that could happen include not liking a school club, not becoming BFF's with the kid who sits next to you in your Econ class, or your date not asking you out again. That's it. Which isn't really that bad at all.

Believe me - I know it's really flippin' hard to go from socially anxious to social butterfly. I am by no means the most social person, even now. However, I no longer consider myself shy. I stopped feeling like that adjective described me when I started grad school and realized I didn't want to be the Shy Girl anymore. And I didn't have to be.

Today I am perfectly comfortable presenting to groups of students and parents, as my work has me doing on a somewhat regular basis. I'm fine with interviews, because it really is just a discussion between two people. I've got my husband to help me get through parties.

If you are a student who is taking lower grades and feels detached from your overall college experience due to shyness, first consider what you can do to challenge yourself. And if you think you need outside help, enlist a friend, professor, or professional counselor to support you.

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How To Be Unapologetically Picky, As Taught By My Cats

4/8/2014

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A couple of months ago, I hit publish on what I thought was a rather fluffy post, Lessons in Happiness, As Taught By My Dog. I enjoyed writing it, but wasn't sure if people would read it as anything more than a gratuitous photo dump of Mr. Mercury. Instead, I was pleasantly surprised to learn that the content resonated for many, and it's become one of the more popular posts around here.

After Puppy-Pants found out his celebrity had somewhat increased, he started demanding more walks and daily table scraps. However, those have pretty much always been his demands.

Then just this morning I saw myself looking at the cats, George and Gloria, taking their third nap in four hours. And it occurred to me - hey, they have some teachable moments of their own..

If you're a cat person, here's your post. And if you're not - I'll convert you.

1. Pick Your People Carefully And Then Be Unfailingly Loyal

Some people think cats are real jerkfaces because they don't show the same unfiltered affection that dogs do for people. And fair enough. You really do have to earn most cats' respect and take what you can get in terms of displays of affection.

George will allow you to pick him up and parade him about. BUT DON'T TOUCH THE BELLY.

Gloria, on the other hand, has never been held since she was about 8 weeks old. But if you're laying down, she'll jump up and crawl right up into your face, touch her nose to yours, and promptly fall asleep on your chest.

I kind of like this aspect of cat personalities. There's something to be said for picking who you trust and treasure, in terms of family and friends. And you give what you can. Maybe you're not a hugger. I'm not, not really. But I do like to do small gestures for others, or say something nice about someone when I'm thinking it.

In a college setting it is particularly important to be a little picky about who you spend time with. Your friends don't have to be just like you in every respect, but it helps to build yourself a support network - a family away from home - who you can turn to when you're having a difficult day or you have good news to share.

2. Find Joy In The Small Things

When we first brought home George, I made sure we had a nice collection of toys that promised cat owners hours of entertainment and diversion for the family pets.

You know what's his favorite toy? A bottle cap.

So I stopped buying toys, and started collecting bottle caps. Fling one onto the hardwood floors and watch the cats go racing after it, until inevitably one of them swats it under a chair or couch. I'm quite sure we have at least 50 bottle caps hidden somewhere in our home, like some deranged Easter egg hunt.

George also loves cooking, and regularly comes over to "help" me prepare dinner.

Sometimes simple things can make us really happy.

3. Take Care Of Your Own

When we acquired Gloria, I was a little worried how George would react to a tiny 6 week old kitten being brought into his domain. After all, he rules all of the counters and sofa tops. What if she tried to usurp the order?

Fortunately, Gloria was a bit of a bottom-dweller, and even now, presses herself flat under the coffee table when she needs a little me-time. George accepted her meekness as submission to his authority and took her under his wing (paw?). He groomed her, kept an eye on her, and cuddled her while napping.

George turned out to be more maternal than we could have expected, and I think it had something to do with recognizing one of his own in need.

Which is a great reminder to look outside of myself often and see who needs me. How can I support them?

4. Be Vigilant

Both George and Gloria take defending the home Very Seriously.

George's archnemesis is this big fat squirrel who taunts him from the backyard. Meanwhile, Gloria is currently enmeshed in an ongoing battle with a blue Steller's Jay bird. She clicks, chips, and chatters furiously when he hops around the patio, letting me know, that scoundrel is back.

They patrol the home, spending time at each room's window sill.

And if there's a bug - oh, it. Is. ON. They go crazy, running frantically back and forth until the bug either makes a miraculous escape, or, more commonly, stupidly lands on the floor and is pawed to an untimely demise. And then they are so proud of themselves for taking back our castle from a moth.

Nothing wrong with monitoring your surroundings and taking necessary measures to feel secure!

5. Be The Special Snowflake You Are

George makes no apologies for loving three things in life: his precious bottlecap collection, a nice tender tuna chunk dinner, and being paraded about the house on somebody's shoulder. One of us tries to give him "the tour" daily, which consists of carrying George around and letting him smell and look at every. single. shelf. in the house. He loves it, purring contentedly. He much prefers my husband, who has a good foot on me and gets George up higher.

And Gloria. Wow. Sometimes she rolls around with wild abandon, for no reason. Sometimes that reason is that her tail is supposedly chasing her. It's hard to watch sometimes. She really thinks she can catch is, bless her heart, but ends up unceremoniously somersaulting over and over.

They both like watching youtube videos of birds feeding. Seriously.

And they do it all without a hint of self-consciousness. They like what they like. If they don't like it, they won't eat it / play with it / acknowledge it. I love their honesty and self-awareness.

Once you get to college - or even to grad school - you're going to find some challenges to who you are, what you like, and how you prefer to spend your time. Pick your support system carefully, and once you do, make sure to take care of each other. And don't apologize for liking what you like.

As cats remind us, you don't have to like everyone or everything. Just be honest, with yourself and with others, about how you want to spend your time, energy, and affection.

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4 Interview Questions You Need To Prep

4/2/2014

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Congratulations - you've landed an interview for the coveted graduate school / research position / grant / scholarship / on-campus job you've been hoping for.

You might be an anxious ball of worries, or, hey, maybe you know you shine in person and aren't too ruffled about meeting with someone. Either way, there are still 4 key questions you can anticipate and prepare for ahead of time.

1. Tell Me About Yourself.

Ugh, that's not even a question.

But it's likely to be the first part of any interview.

Sometimes my clients are confused about how to answer this frustratingly vague and open-ended question. "Are they asking about my family? If I like dogs? What's my favorite color?"

That's what it sounds like, doesn't it? Tell me about yourself.

But it what they are really asking is: Give me a 1-3 sentence summary of your professional / academic experience relevant to this position.

So if you are applying to be an on-campus daycare worker, sure, you might start off with, "Well, I'm the oldest of six kids, and I've always known I want to have a career in childcare and early childhood education."

However, if you are applying to be, say, a graduate student in University X's Anthropology department, you'd do better to keep the interview on-track by explaining why you love Anthro, what work you accomplished as an undergraduate, any awards, and what you plan to do as a graduate student.

One more note - if they ask you, "What are your strengths?" You don't need to list 15. Give one or two strengths with examples (anecdotes or past accomplishments) that back up your assertion.

And if they ask "What are your weaknesses?" skip the faux-modest "I care too much" or "I'm a perfectionist."

Nope. Be honest - say, "I have a tendency to procrastinate, however, I always get my assignments completed on time and I'm taking steps x,y, and z to improve." You never know - maybe your interviewer is also a procrastinator and will empathize.

2. Why Did You Apply To Our Program?

I needed the money. I didn't get into my first-choice program. All my hopes and dreams are resting on getting this and it will destroy me if you don't accept me. I liked your school mascot. My boyfriend attends this university.

What they are really asking: How much have you looked into our program and how will you be a good fit for this department and this university?

A detailed answer will demonstrate to the interviewer you researched the school ahead of time and can make a case for why you are a good fit.

You do NOT have to state the program is your first choice. They should not be asking you that. However, if they are offering you admission while there (or the interview is a follow-up to the offer of admission) and you are confident you want to accept, you are welcome to share that information with the interviewer.

3. What Are Your Short And Long-Term Goals?

Skip the personal stuff about wanting to be married by 25 and a parent by 30. The interviewer is looking for confirmation that you are someone with defined objectives, who is capable of designing and implementing plans to achieve said objectives.

Short: What do you hope to accomplish in your first year of the program? For your first summer of research? For your capstone project / thesis / dissertation?

Long: What are you planning to do after the program? Become a professor? Work in a lab? Volunteer overseas?

4. Now, Do You Have Any Questions For Me?

Have at least one question ready! It doesn't have to be the most brilliant thing ever.

Good questions might touch on some aspect regarding the program requirements, the department "culture," or expectations of the student not posted online.

You can even ask something like,

“What’s your favorite part of working here?”
"What are you currently researching?"
“If admitted, is there anything I can do over the summer to prepare for the beginning of classes in the fall?”

People like talking about themselves. So if you end with a question that lets the interviewer talk a little bit about their work or something they love about the program, they might remember you as a fantastically interesting and agreeable person.

Last Points

While I think it's a good idea to come ready to take a few notes, I'd ditch the laptop. It's a little distracting to the interviewer to have you clicking away. A little pocket notebook and pen will work just fine.

Wear professional clothing. You might be accepted and wear jeans and hoodies for the next two years, but until you're officially a student, treat the interview as the professional meeting it is.

Finally, be prepared for the interview by researching the program, school, or position ahead of time. If you know who is interviewing you, look them up.

Before I had my MA and PhD program interviews, I read the interviewers' books and articles. It is highly unlikely they will test you on it, but it's nice to be familiar with their work, especially if you plan on making a point of how your research dovetails with their own.

Oh - and one more thing: some interviewers are nice, normal, and friendly. You will be at ease. And others are socially awkward or come off as a bit brusque. If you experience the latter type, try not to let throw you off.

Stay focused on giving the interviewer the information they need about your skills, qualifications, and experience, as well as how you are prepared to contribute to the program, so that you can walk away knowing you did your best.

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The Problem With Statistics

What We Do Know

Why Incidents Go Unreported

How Do I Stay Safe?

When You are Alone

Safety In Numbers

Be Aware Of Your Surroundings

Trust Your Gut

Understand What Constitutes "Consent"

Know Your Options

Background

Road Trip

1. Start Building Your Résumé & Online Presence

2. Manage Your Reputation

3. Create Your Professional Network

1. You Receive Low Participation Grades

2. You Avoid Certain Classes

3. You Are Terrified of Speaking With Your Instructor One-On-One

4. You Self-Isolate

1. Pick Your People Carefully And Then Be Unfailingly Loyal

2. Find Joy In The Small Things

3. Take Care Of Your Own

4. Be Vigilant

5. Be The Special Snowflake You Are

1. Tell Me About Yourself.

2. Why Did You Apply To Our Program?

3. What Are Your Short And Long-Term Goals?

4. Now, Do You Have Any Questions For Me?

Last Points

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