Additional Thoughts I was surprised with the response to my recent post " The Accidental Bully" and wanted to add a few thoughts to follow up. You can listen here if you're interested. I discuss that while it's unfortunate that the experience of bullies, both external and internal, resonate for so many of us, you can reprogram your response to criticism. Here's our house bully: Gloria the Kitten. She has no problem shoving anybody out of the way if they are blocking access to her food, toys, or preferred napping spot.
It Never Really Ends Schoolyard bullies sometimes grow up into mean-spirited adults. These people will try to intimidate others by playing on an individual's fears, insecurities, or weaknesses.
There are plenty of people who are knowingly engaging in abusive behavior. But then there are individuals who genuinely do not realize that their relentless criticism, nitpicking, and devaluing of others is bullying behavior.
Heck, sometimes we do it to ourselves.
Professor BullY You know what really gets me angry? I mean, like, makes me morph into Mama Bear-Lioness-Dragon angry? When I hear from students stories about professors who embarrassed them publicly, dismissed them as hopeless cases, or refused to help them apply for certain opportunities because the professor has already decided the student has no chance of getting it. I've already discussed how just one professor had the power to make me doubt my ability to write, which in turn caused me to second-guess applying to grad school.And, no, I'm sure this woman didn't consider herself a bully. But wow, my classmates and I loathed going to class, each of us having been humiliated at some point by her in front of our peers.Recently I had a client, B., who is applying for a post-undergraduate research opportunity. They are specifically looking for students who do not have graduate school experience; the program is meant to be a bridge between undergraduate and graduate coursework.So you can understand why I was frustrated on B's behalf when she told me that a professor had responded to her request for a letter of recommendation with, "I don't know why you are applying for this. This field of study isn't a strength of yours."Never mind that another one of B's professors had selected her specifically as a good candidate for the program. Never mind that B's resume and career objectives actually make her an excellent fit for the position. Believe me, we looked into it BEFORE starting all of that work, Nope. This professor shot off an email with careless wording, implying B's weeks of work preparing her applications were pointless.RAWR. I responded to B that I did not care for her professor's response. Perhaps it was a miscommunication - maybe her professor didn't realize that the program is tailored to students like B who do not yet have the research experience necessary to be strong candidates for graduate school. But there was no mistaking that it hurt her feelings and left her feeling discouraged.Her note stayed with me for a long time, until I realized what was bothering me. It was the belittling tone of the professor's doubt. Telling B. this wasn't her strength. Well, last time I checked, the best way to improve is to work on - not avoid - a so-called weakness.Naysaying is a kind of subtle bullying, making the person on the receiving end doubt themselves - their abilities and their value.
[Note: There is a difference between a gracious no, a thoughtful critique, and flippant naysaying. The latter, such as in B's case, is aimed at discouraging, or worse, devaluing an individual.] Bullying Parents I had a rather frustrating encounter with a parent, T., recently.
I had been under the impression that T. wanted to meet for other reasons, and so I was unpleasantly surprised when T. began listing everything they had his daughter involved in: a sport, playing two kinds of instruments, volunteering, after-school clubs. He explained the strategy behind each, the idea that if they could get their daughter to play exactly the right instrument and be a varsity player for exactly the right sport, she'd get a scholarship.
Right?, he asked me, wanting assurance. Are we doing everything right?
I ignored his question and replied, "What does your daughter think about all of this?"
He said she was agreeable to what activities they put her in, and launched into a description of how their lives revolved around her extracurriculars and it was sometimes exhausting, but what are you gonna do?
I asked one more question: "How old is your daughter?"
Thirteen.
I suggested he listen to his daughter, and if she ever expressed disinterest in or frustration with juggling so many activities, they let her change what she was doing or drop it completely.
Parents who consistently override their child's interests and ideas about what they want to do are accidentally bullying their kids.
I know you want to learn how to play the guitar, but you're more likely to get a scholarship by mastering the viola.
Most parents I meet genuinely want the best for their kids and believe they know better than a teenager what road to take to achieve success.
And while parental guidance is incredibly important for a student's success, even more so is a parent's unconditional support.
This is why I insist on working with my clients one-on-one, without parents. They are young adults who deserve the opportunity to develop their own interests outside of and apart from their parents' expectations about who their child should be.
The Bully Within Here is where it gets confessional, because I can't describe anyone else's internal bully except for my own. When I was a student, I treated college and graduate school not only like it was my job, but also, as my identity. My self-worth was deeply invested in my ability to prove to both myself and others that I was smart enough. Enough for what? I couldn't tell you. Being good enough is a moving target, and therefore elusive.That's why anything less than an A- had me mentally berating myself. My first semester at Harvard was particularly bad, due to Russian Morphology (a linguistics course - but doesn't that sound like a class young wizards would take at Hogwarts?). I wasn't exactly a natural, and consistently struggled to get at least B's.Every time I got a paper back, was in the middle of an exam, or froze when the professor called on me, a voice in my head sneered:You're an idiot. You studied for hours and STILL don't know how to do this?What kind of moron can't remember that? Wow. Maybe the university made a mistake admitting you? Notice how my internal dialogue rapidly devolved from taking empirical evidence (my performance suggesting I was not understanding the coursework), and turning it into wild speculations about my overall intelligence, competencies, and my self-worth.I'm willing to be honest about this because I suspect many other people have a Bully Within, students or otherwise.As more than one person has pointed out to me, would you talk to your friend the way your Internal Bully pushes you around? Of course not, because then you would be an actual bully, not to mention in danger of losing all of your friends.Sometimes the hardest - but most important - bully for us to identify is the one we accidentally let live in our own heads. Fighting Back Overt bullying is another thing entirely, and not what I'm addressing. Rather, sometimes the authority figures in our lives - respected teachers, a parent, or even our internal dialogue - attempts to govern our actions and reactions by criticizing, ignoring, dismissing, or cajoling us into submission.
In this case, fighting back involves standing up for yourself. With others, diplomatic wording can go a long way.
And as for the Bully Within - recognize it for what it is - a mixture of self-doubt and anxiety. Start talking to yourself as you would a good friend. It will feel strange at first but it's worth it. Standing up to internal bullies will make it easier for you to take on the external ones.
What Do You Gain? Are you familiar with the term ROI, or Return On Investment? Business owners, among others, use this formula to determine if the benefit of their investment outweighs the cost. Whether you are a returning sophomore or soon-to-graduate senior, a new semester means a fresh chance to build your academic environment in way that encourages you to set and achieve goals.
Alongside goal-setting exists an elaborate matrix of rewards, liability, limitations, opportunities, and incentives.
For example, you might be motivated to apply to Princeton University, factoring in both the immediate and long-term prestige afforded to its students, along with the value of the degree on the job market, its active alumni network supporting current and recently graduated students, and the likelihood that your time there will set you up to be a stronger candidate when you apply to graduate programs.
Those are the rewards, or gains. But consider also that Princeton's admission rate for 2013 was 7.4% and of the 1,963 students admitted, only 2.5% or 49 individuals had GPA's under 3.5. This will be an INTENSELY COMPETITIVE environment, people. Do you thrive when working under pressure?
Additionally, it costs $56,750 for an undergraduate to study at Princeton for a single year. Compare that with Penn State University, where the cost is around than $29,000 for an out-of-state student. PSU ranks #1 on Princeton Review's list of Top 20 schools with the Best Career Services. While accounting for the obvious fact that, hey, maybe someone who goes to Princeton doesn't have to worry as much about utilizing career services, if both students are planning to go to college for 4 years and transition immediately to the professional realm, you might see a better ROI with Penn State. Do You Even Like Carrots? In studying employee retention and productivity, Dr. Paul Marciano concluded that the best incentive employers can use to motivate their workers is respect. Not promotions or punishments. Feeling valued, capable, and trusted made employees strive to succeed.So when selecting a school, picking classes, or deciding where you want to work or volunteer, it stands that your ROI will be higher if you pick a setting in which you feel like the energy you invest is appreciated and acknowledged. In other words, ROI is not a simply math function for students because there are these intangible factors that are no less important than dollars and cents. Namely: what motivates you and how do you define success?Which brings me to my next point: it is less important where you go to school and what you study than it is to pick a place and field that motivates you to learn, practice, and master skills such as Critical Thinking, Critical Reading, Problem-Solving, and Writing, I know plenty of people who will disagree with me, but we are putting too much stock in a subject-based curriculum at the expense of what is truly valuable after graduating: developing skills for a broader application in both academic and professional settings.You can pick a major purely according to what you calculate as having the biggest pay-off, but if you don't like the classes, professors, or fellow students, your motivation will wane quickly, productivity will decrease, and your definition of success might morph to something like, "Just get through it" or "Just pass the class" or "Just get into business school." The means will stop justifying the ends, because you no longer find the ends all that compelling or rewarding. What's Your Carrot? My carrot is not necessarily your carrot.
Your parents' carrots are not always your carrots.
Where the money is may not be your carrot.
Figure out what motivates you, the material and immaterial factors. Decide what kind of environment is most conducive to you being productive and efficient, as well as the settings that make you feel stifled or apathetic. And most importantly, feel free to change your goal when it feels like the means no longer justify the ends.
ROI can help you discern what kind of carrots work for you, while keeping in mind the larger objective is to gain something out of all the time, energy, and cost you invest.
But what looks like a gain is personal and particular to each individual, so don't worry if your equation doesn't add up in the eyes of others.
From Left to Write asks reviewers to connect the book of the month with their personal experiences. Accordingly, this is not a traditional book review, but rather, my response to this month’s selection. Find out more here.
I received an advance copy of Happier At Home for free, but I was not compensated in any way for my review. My comments are my own. This book is available for purchase here. The Paradoxes of Happiness Like Happier at Home author, Gretchen Rubin, I've also discovered that my happiness is often contingent on seemingly paradoxical tenets: - I feel happy when I'm productive but I'm not productive if I'm not happy
- I need adequate rest but too much rest makes me restless
- If I want to stop being grumpy, it helps to say out loud, "I'm grumpy" instead of trying to ignore how I'm feeling
- I feel guilty when I treat myself to unnecessary items or experiences, but deprived if I never let myself have something "just because"
- Too many possessions in my house makes me feel overwhelmed, but the right kinds of things make me feel at home
To illustrate these, I'll focus on three specific factors I've identified that influence my happiness at home:  Here's Gloria. Helping me be productive. PRODUCTIVITY My home office is my favorite space in our house because it was mine to arrange precisely how I wanted it. After reading Rubin's previous book, The Happiness Project two years ago, I was inspired by how she chose to decorate her work space with things that made her happy - even if they don't make sense to other people.
Over the year and a half we have been in this house, my office has organically grown to reflect my favorite things: wind chimes, photographs, scented candles, and color. My husband is terrifically kind to me and planted a flowerbox outside my office window stocked with heliotrope and lily of the valley, so that all summer long I was able to work with my window open and let the good smells float in.
 My husband made those windchimes for me. The walls are a soft buttery yellow, the couch is a rich wine, my desk is a dark cherry, and I have splashes of orange and blue. It shouldn't go together, but somehow, it does.
I started painting landscapes last May, and while they are the work of an amateur, I paint that what makes me happy to look at and then place them all over my office.
I put my favorite pairs of shoes and my purses out on my bookshelves, instead of hiding them away in a closet.
But I am a ultimately a neat-freak, and make a conscious effort to keep the floors and desktop clean and clutter-free.
Pets As I've mentioned in the past, I was NOT an animal person and I never thought I'd want pets. They were smelly, dirty, and needed attention, soooo no thank you. I cringe at my previous attitude, now that we have Mercury the Dog, George the Cat, and Gloria the Kitten. Mercury is my walking buddy. Together we explore the great Pacific Northwest, while I try to restrain him from eating duck poop and he protects me from the neighborhood's dangers like cable repairmen and little old ladies out for a morning stroll. George is Mr. Independent, doing his thing most of the time, except when he needs you to pick him up for 90 seconds and parade him around the living room.
However, if you are cooking, putting away groceries, or cleaning, he needs to be there, involved in the process. He is VERY INTERESTED in people doing things. He is also a dedicated mother to Gloria. Then we have this lady, who follows me at my heels morning til night, helping me work by sitting on my notebook, my keyboard, my hands as I type.... If she sees me settle into the couch in the evening to read, she hops into my lap and starts purring on contact. In other words, she insists on being treated like the baby of the family, and we indulge her. Sure, I could live without cleaning a litter box, but when I'm feeling a little down or a lot overworked, I just go pet the dog and cats and am instantly relaxed. Limiting Technology Anybody remember the last time they saw an LG Chocolate? Wait - you don't?
That's because it was released in 2006. Guess when I retired mine? Last year.
I was afraid of smartphones because I was quite confident that the phone was, in fact, capable of outsmarting me.
But then the practicality of having a phone where I can access my email and read files, along with Instragramming photos of my cats, won out and my husband and I made the switch.
We promised we would not become those people who stare at our phones when the other person is in the same room, trying to have a conversation. And for the most part, we didn't.
But when I was alone I found my fingers twitching to refresh my email, look at friend's pictures, read, read, read anything and everything online.
It wasn't making me very happy though. I'd sit down in the evening to relax with a book, but would never get to reading because I was too busy messing around with my phone.
Checking my email was a huge source of anxiety, because if anything work-related was in my inbox, whether it was 6 am or 11 pm, I felt immediately compelled to immediately respond and resume working.
It took a little while for me to understand that we do not HAVE TO keep our phones on us at all times. I am not REQUIRED by some moral or legal code to respond to somebody's text immediately, or heck, even answer the telephone if it's family time in our house.
Now I quite deliberately keep my phone in another room when I am trying to write something (like right now). If I am intent on reading, I do not bring my phone over with my book. And if my husband and I are hanging out, watching TV or having dinner, my phone is banished. He does the same for me, and I appreciate that the relatively little amount of time we have together each day is enhanced by the absence of technology and its associated distractions. As Rubin's book and my own experiments have helped me understand, happiness is a choice. It doesn't just happen. Understanding how important it is for me to be proactive has completely changed my perspective on how to get and stay happy: for me it's a combination of continuously trying new things, while fine-tuning those that have already proven to work.
And, finally, my happy is your not happy. And that's ok.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to sign off and go be happy in my home with the animals and husband.
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